My idea when starting this blog was for it to be a place to start a dialogue, to share various experiences, try to inspire other people to experience their life in its fullest expression. Also on a more selfish note, another intention was for myself, to attempt to put in words the way in which I am trying to live my life these days, a necessary, kind reminder if you will. Sometimes words don’t do any justice to what is going on within us, actually most of the time I find they don’t, but here I am deciding to give it a try. That being said, because living life in its fullest expression means taking in the great moments, possibly learning to turn horrible moments into better moments, but also learning to live with life in times of despair. Learning to just be with ourselves where we are, and know that it is okay, we are enough right here and now.
Because this is a new process, I am figuring it out as I go. In my life I try to practice being true to myself, so it only feels right to continue that message on my blog. Last week there was not one day that I felt like posting. Why bring up last week? Because it has been coming up in my mind like a kid that constantly pokes you until you give them your attention. So I’m giving it attention now, a little late but doing it nonetheless. Part of me was like okay, you started this blog, enjoyed it while it lasted (wow a whole month!) and according to my statistics page (that I have a tendency to look at quite often) my numbers were taking a nose dive. But I knew there was something more, something deeper that was keeping me away. Starts with an F ends with R. Have you guessed it? Something I know well – FEAR. It was back, the initial “honeymoon” phase of my blog and I was quickly over.
As soon as I noticed that happening, awareness is key, I was able to sit with it. Just let it be there, and not try to shove it away, or bury it. Actually, I visualized sending love to it. Nothing magical happened, like me running towards my computer with open arms, but instead there was a sense of acknowledging the place where I was at the moment. Not attaching to it, not giving it more power to take over, but just noticing it, and acknowledging it, most importantly being okay with it. This allowed for it to quiet and have less of a strong hold on keeping me away from my computer. You might be sitting there thinking is she seriously talking about her blog like this? Well yes I am, but for me it’s more than that.
My Dad passed away when I was twenty two. He was the man, I didn’t always see that in my teenager years, but deep down I know that he was aware of the love that was there, a love that a daughter has for her father, no matter what. I will save the whole story for a post of its own, because yes Joe Mac would only have it that way. But what I do want to mention is that, as you can imagine it was a devastating loss to my sister, brother and I. At the time I could not imagine life without my Dad. I soon realized that I didn’t have to, in a sense. He lived his life in such a way that I have never witnessed any one else live. With vibrance and a constant desire to deeply experience every single day to the fullest, even on days that might not have looked that great from the outside. I decided that I would try to carry that way of being in my own life, as a way to always keep his spirit with me. Yes, there have been all kinds of days, and there always will be but one thing can remain constant. Our reactions, our ways of being and experiencing the world.
An amazing teacher once said to me, everything in life is neutral. The only thing you have control of is your reaction to what is happening externally. Take the time to listen to your Self.